February 2010

Ever thought you were in a dead end job? Try being on board the WMC Expeditione. All the crew has a designated role: the Captain mans the ship, the Commander keeps the Captain’s seat warm during night shifts, the Doctor nurses the sick, the cook makes food, and the Robot in Engineering tries to prove it is human by crying a lot. Nobody can break through the glass ceiling. If they did, they’d be sucked out into space.

I’m not supposed to be here (have I emphasised that enough yet?). There’s no job for me as people with actual qualifications and stuff have them, so the officials created a new role. Nothing important, just busy work. I asked why I couldn’t spend my days drinking in the bar. They said it’s important to stay active for my own psychological well-being. I know what they mean. When I finished my Media Studies degree, I was unemployed for two years. I spent my days writing self-referential absurd science fiction. The feedback I got on my blog did immense damage to my self-esteem.

Anyway, my job description is as follows: I sell life insurance. Door to door.

9am, Monday morning. In my makeshift uniform – my normal clothes turned inside out, underwear and all – I step out of my/Horace’s sleeping quarters, sidestep to the left, and knock on my neighbour’s door. I hear a grumble, and a body reluctantly roll out of bed. The door opens to reveal Lieutenant Dave Lovey: pale skin, silver whiskers, with bags under his eyes heavier than a teenager’s taste in music.

“Hello sir, have you ever thought of taking out life insurance?” I say in a way where my soul dies a little, like a real salesman.

“What?” Lovey yawns agitatedly.

“Tired? Did you know there are lots of ways to die in your sleep? Heart attack. Sudden unexpected death syndrome. Freddy Krueger… If you take out life insurance, your family is covered for funeral expenses.”

“What family? All our families died on Earth!” Lovey lowers his voice, “And I’m tired as I’ve just finished a night shift, and I’m back at work in four hours.”

That got me thinking: “Maybe I should go into the labour law business…”

Lovey slams the door shut.

I decide to take my business up a deck. As sleeping quarters were assigned indiscriminate of rank, the second floor looks no different to the first. The same dreary grey walls. The same abrasive grey carpets. Grey is the general theme. Yet, this is my dream retirement home. All I need to do is work stupid hours and not eat for the next forty-five years, then I can afford a place here.

Again, I knock on the door closest to me. It’s answered by the ship’s androgynous looking Doctor. I don’t mean it in a kind of hot Japanese way either. Did you ever see Les Dawson dressed as a woman? The Doctor looks like that, with Lily Savage’s hair. For the benefit of the American audience, the Doctor looks like a biker whose swallowed a greasy, processed beanbag.

Sir or madam? Sir or madam? Finally, I speak: “Hello sir,” to which I receive a punch to the jaw.

“How dare you?” she says, also slamming the door shut. I later found out her name is Doctor Susan Susan Susan. I hope I never need medical assistance now as she’ll ‘accidentally’ kill me. Still, I have less chance of dying in her hands than I did in an NHS hospital. AM I RIGHT?

I abandon that deck too. The next place I end up in feels far more comfortable: “You want life insurance?”

“No.”

“Good. Double scotch please.”

I love the bar. It’s the only place on the ship with real character. Rock music blasts out on the jukebox. The walls are decorated with drawings of oceans and boats. And the lights are a cluster of colours – from sky blues and purples to umpodle and scoswiz, two new colours which were discovered twenty years ago. The colours are… Well, how do you describe a colour without attaching it to a physical form? Until Shakespeare is able to do so, I won’t try.

The bartender responds, “Sure thing.” He then heads to the back and yells “Kate!” before taking a long break. Longer than the two hours I’m in the bar for.

I clasp my eyes on Kate as she walks through the door. My word! It’s like an angel walking through the gates of heaven. With her long, luscious blonde hair, perfectly symmetrical face, beautiful glossy lips, curvy body, and the sort of breasts you could spend hours rubbing your face against…

On that basis, she’s the one.