From the monthly archives:

January 2010

(Note: This was written for Kick-Out!! Wrestling and published on November 17th 2009. The original article can be viewed here.)

It goes without saying that I love Razor’s concept for a better wrestling media. For too long, fans have been anything but fans – moaning about the smallest details as if they could write a better episode of Monday Night Raw, and complaining that Internet darling number 23 is stuck under the glass ceiling because of Triple H. Wrestling should be a positive experience. It’s just a soap opera where larger than life characters beat the s*** out of each other, after all

But the thought occurs that TNA rarely gets mentioned in this new media movement, apart from a reference here or a joke there. Why is that? After watching an entire month of TNA, from October’s Bound For Glory pay per view to last week’s Impact, I understand why. Rather than producing something innovative or entertaining, TNA dwells in dirt sheet style negativity and sensationalism.

In the fallout of the Monday Night Wars in 2001, those who still wanted to watch fighting fragmented into two sections. MMA was for those craving for ‘reality’ and ‘shooting’, while the WWE – realising wrestling can never be portrayed as a true sport – leaned heavily towards the entertainment aspect so it could be popular with kids and adults alike.

TNA has different ideas. Instead of being innovative or entertaining, it has taken a direction that can be best described as a limp and frankly embarrassing version of the WWF Attitude Era. Characters are egocentric shades of grey (ie: genuinely unlikeable) as proven by the recent AJ Styles/Daniels/Samoa Joe feud. Wrestlers are too busy brawling backstage over wives to be actual wrestlers. And, for those who love ‘reality’, Tara and Kim Couture have impromptu shoot fights, and Team 3D and Rhino talk about losing their spots, peppering it with insider lingo. Fire Russo? Fire the guy at the TNA offices for getting desk calendars ten years out of date.

The company certainly has an identity crisis. It wants to be the alternative in professional wrestling, going as far to script (then) ex-WWE wrestlers like Christian to say they came to TNA because they love wrestling itself. Yet, it not only relies on former WWE talent to give their home grown stars legitimacy – an unnecessary practice, wrestlers constantly revisit memories from the past to make their current storylines seem relevant. Team 3D was dangerous in a TLC rip-off at Bound For Glory because they’ve “wrestled in this type of match in front of 70,000 people,” and Raven attacked Mick Foley for “getting in-between me and my playmate Tommy Dreamer.”

TNA has been around for seven years now. Surely they should have a plethora of moments they can look back at, right? After all, the WWE puts out hours of great memories every year. But can you honestly name one defining moment in TNA history? One to rival Austin stunning Vince McMahon, or HBK’s spectacular entrance at Wrestlemania 12? They had the AJ/Daniels/Samoa Joe match for the X-Division title at Unbreakable 2005, and that’s it.

Recently, they had the chance to put this right with the signing of Hulk Hogan. The press was tremendous, with mentions on shows such as Larry King and Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. Now with Hogan’s fans coming to check out TNA – it was essential for the company to impress and do something unforgettable for the new viewers. And, as it just so happens, TNA did. For all the wrong reasons.

Dixie Carter delivered a speech to the TNA roster and fans at home with the intention of rallying up the troops. This was a bad idea anyway; the viewers want to see total non-stop action now, not a promise there will be total non-stop action in a few weeks or so. However, she took the ridiculousness up tenfold by holding a lecture, demanding everyone to get behind her (non-existent) direction, or go elsewhere. After seeing the wrestlers belittled by a small woman resembling a stern teacher, those extra Hulkamaniacs went elsewhere, as proven by how the ratings slumped back to the 1.1 level again.

I have no idea why they did this speech, clearly a work due to the several mentions of it later in the programme, but it showed that TNA is a company run by sneering, cynical smarks. The type that demands too much just because they believe it’s their right. TNA thinks it can toy with wannabe fans through stunts like that, and by teasing major ground breaking announcements that will ‘shake the core of TNA’, only to turn around and have Eric Young change the name of an insignificant title.

Until TNA and its programming become a positive experience to watch, their buyrates, merchandise, ratings and attendances will not progress. We don’t care about what you’re going to do in the future, or what your wrestlers have previously done in clearly superior wrestling outfits, or insider stuff. We want to be emotionally involved with TNA. We want to be inspired by breathtaking, memorable moments you produce. That’s it! How hard is that to understand?

Maybe Dixie Carter would take notice if I tweeted this article to her…

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The iHouse

by Chris Wilson on January 29, 2010 · Comments

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My name is Chris, and I have a problem.

For as long as I can remember, I have always wanted to run a website. The first thing I did when I got a 56K connection was to design a Simpsons fan-page. As it was 2001 or so, its bright yellow background and images stretched beyond comprehension were perfectly acceptable. However, like my other projects to come – from The Happy Teacake, to the past ninety-four versions of Unmurdered – I abandoned it shortly after the final product was published on the web. If you know where to look, you’ll probably find remnants of every website I’ve made post-Geocities.

My problem was that I always wanted to look at the bigger picture. I wasn’t satisfied with running a review site or a fan site enjoyed just by my closest friends. I wanted to conquer the world wide web through my incoherent scribblings and inappropriate use of grammar, backed by legions of readers commenting with remarks like ‘lol, good one’. My intentions were never financial – I only use donate buttons and Google Adsense in hope of raking back the £25 per year it costs to run a site – I just didn’t want to talk to myself.

I bought the Unmurdered name back in early 2008. When I started, I had a clear vision of what I wanted to do. Previously, I had kept my use of comedy to whatever screenplay I was writing. But after reading articles by Charlie Brooker, I realised I could inject comedy into the article form. So I spent the best part of the next two years trying to emulate that, while bringing in other influences such as Simpsons-esque one-liners and absurdist comedy so it wasn’t a complete ripoff. In theory, this should’ve slowly brought in an audience if I’d kept an ongoing archive that built up to a Google search engine pleasing extent.

But I kept tearing Unmurdered down, building it back up, writing an article, being unhappy with what I’d written, tearing it down, repeat ad nauseam. Even though I’d dedicated two years of my spare time to it, I was never comfortable with the format. It’s weird because my years of watching nothing but animated comedies and sitcoms on UKTV Gold has made me somewhat decent at writing one-liners, but only in the context of dialogue in a screenplay. The umm-ing and ahh-ing over if a line in an article made sense was too overwhelming to let it be – especially as it had been published for everyone to see – which was why I constantly deleted stuff.

I am officially declaring today that phase of my writing is over. I will continue to write comedy scripts, and will inject a bit of humour in my articles – I’m only a humourless drone in the flesh – but I feel it’s pointless to continue mentally torturing myself when I’m happier presenting blogs like this where I don’t have to crack a joke twice a paragraph to make the format “work”.

So what can you expect from Unmurdered now? Just a blog. A muddled up bundle of thoughts and creativity too esoteric for anyone outside my close circle of friends to care about. Like it should’ve been all along.

PS: I will probably change my mind and delete this by Monday.

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